Two left feet

How often do you pray? I mean, really pray. The last time you prayed, was it really heart-felt and sincere where you poured out your inner most feelings and begged for forgiveness? Was it full of praise and thanksgiving where you detailed the excellence of God and his majesty? Was it on behalf of a friend or loved one that you humbly ask for mercy and grace to carry them through? OR was it a "thank you Lord for this food may it strengthen out bodies and please provide for those who do not have AMEN" (my standard prayer blessing for potlucks)

Sometimes I feel so desirous of prayer, a longing to feel the spirit as I open my palms and wait with baited breath. Sometimes I feel tired, and hunch over with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Shouldn't I feel elated every time I pray? I shouldn't feel more tired when I pray, shouldn't I feel revived?

Yet when I don't pray, I am frustrated. I feel disconnected, forlorn and unwanted. I am estranged, I lose focus and wish for peace. The torment of a fear that I have grieved the Holy Spirit is something I hope I never feel.

Am I worthy of asking God for his mercy? I am so sinful, do I even have a right to pray? I want to pray but hesitate. Will He hear my prayer? Does being engaged in prayer make you a better person? If I agonize and pray without ceasing, am I striving to be perfect?

Perhaps if I spend more time soul-searching and introspecting I will be more in-tune with my weaknesses and be able to target my efforts. Would that make my prayers more efficient and precise? After all, God says, ask specifically for what you want, in a round-about away...right? Why waste God's time when he already knows us better than we kinow ourselves. So I'll just save him some time and get to the point.

I am beginning to think that prayer is misunderstood. Just because we pray doesn't mean it makes us better people. Prayer in itself is not a healer, a genie or a penance for wrong-doing. Prayer is not a dropbox for wishlists or a soapbox for grievances. Prayer is not even about us. It's about God and who He is to the world. It's about the Trinity, the Father Supreme, the Son the Advocate and Holy Spirit the guide. It's about the God of this universe and his presence, his authority as Savior, Redeemer and Ruler.

So who are we to reduce our prayers to a collage of texts, feelings and requests? If God is supreme in your life, let Him lead. Like dancing, you don't look at your feet, you watch your partner. Worrying about what you're saying rather than who you're talking to means you'll only step on God's feet :)